While he is of the opinion that if he did it, anybody could, Chase seems to think Wen Ning was to some degree good at this, so that won't work. "It'll probably take a while." He's always a bit jealous when he sees a pair announced for someone who just arrived. "But you'll find the person you can help."
Well, he thinks Wen Ning gets along with people better than he does, and clearly cares about them more than he does. Being introverted is something they both kind of share, and Chase is only not weird and awkward because he has tried very hard to learn not to be, so he gets that, too. But Wen Ning still did help.
"I hope so," he says, though he sounds more despondent than actually hopeful. Maybe when it's not ten minutes out from the event he'll get more optimistic. (Maybe not, though.) "God, I hope Yelena doesn't decide she hates me for graduating before her. She's not crazy about wardens."
"She's always been polite to me," says Wen Ning. News to him. But not noticing people holding him in contempt is pretty normal.
Not-impolite is clearly not what Chase would want from his friend, though. "Well, you aren't so different from yesterday, and she liked you then. Even if you're pretty different from when you first got here."
That brings him up short in confusion. He doesn't feel different. Except maybe for the wanting to see his parents more than wanting to die, thing. "I am? How am I different?"
The very simple answer, you graduated, is too circular. Though it's tempting to Wen Ning's very dry sense of humor. "Initiative. You don't hide out anymore. You try things. You explore. You try to fix things that go wrong."
"I definitely still hide out," Chase counters. He spends a good 75% of his time in the library or his room. But he does have... friends, he supposes. Two friends. If your warden can really count as a friend when he kind of has to spend time with you. "And maybe I fixed things before...." That's a bit of a stretch. He knew how to, you know, magically fix broken glass, but he's learned how to expand that to people. And he did, he has to admit, try to fix his spider explosion.
"You've been changing all along. And not into someone else." Chase is never going to be friendly any more than Wen Ning is ever going to be confident. "Or what'd be the point?"
"I don't even know," Chase sighs. "I don't feel different. Maybe it was just so gradual I didn't notice. Or maybe I'm just as much of a brat as I was before, but deciding I wasn't going to die all over again is good enough for the Admiral."
"That is a big one. It's... probably both," he says, deciding that prodding too directly at Chase's conclusions can't help right now. He may have escaped, but it's easy to feel cornered when you're used to it. "And it isn't as though you're done. I wasn't an inmate, but I've changed here, too."
Yeah, he got a boyfriend. ... and started wearing colors sometimes, Chase supposes. He's happier, Chase can see that. Is Chase happier? ... he has no idea.
"I guess," he says reluctantly. He doesn't want to admit, out loud, that he's going to have to still work on who he is as a person. He already feels overwhelmed enough by all this. Instead, he pivots a little. "If I do get an inmate... will you help?"
"I'll sneak you all the bribe snacks you might need," he promises. "And I'll... Try? If you need advice. I didn't really feel like I knew how to help you a lot of the time." He just kept turning up, and some of that, maybe, did the trick?
"Well, you did something right, because here I am." Chase isn't even sure he's good at showing up. If he doesn't like a person, he's not going out of his way to interact with them. Ugh. He reaches for one of his cookies to munch on, as much out of stress as any real desire to eat.
He heaves a sigh, swallows his bite of cookie, then looks back up at Wen Ning. "Thanks. For sticking with me, and all."
"You act like it was a trial. But. You're welcome." It wasn't the least bit of trouble. After all this time, he still thinks he's particularly difficult? "Aside from the spiders, you never even caused yourself any damage." And he's pretty sure that was mainly a long nap.
"I mean, I did fight with your boyfriend that one time," Chase reminds him, and very purposefully uses the word boyfriend again. "But the time I died and killed the guy who killed me was before we were paired, so I guess it doesn't count." He has, in fact, been a pretty laid back inmate. Just occasionally grouchy and stubborn.
Oh, the thing they've never properly talked about? Now is the time he wants to bring that up? The needling at least makes it clear Chase is firmly still himself, and Wen Ning gives him a flatly sour look for it that he'd have tried harder to hide before this morning. "I don't think that had much to do with being an inmate," he says as primly as he can.
"No, it had to do with you thinking too little of yourself, your boyfriend not communicating very well, and me being a dick," Chase says. At least he claims some part of it to be his fault. "None of which has really changed, I think, which is probably going to be a problem with me being a warden. Unless there's inmates out there who like jerks."
That doesn't feel entirely fair. Neither of them was communicating, and it is, in fact, much better now. Day to day, about the same, but with that one knot of buried anxiety untied, the bad TV and cuddling and washing dishes while flirting outrageously all feel more real and safe.
And that does come down to Chase, however he intended it. "You could have handled it better, but you were..." He struggles to phrase it. "Effective. Call it directness." Being a dick might be a power he can channel.
Well, Wen Ning does still seem to think too little of himself, and Chase figures he's still a jerk, and he doesn't know how well Angel communicates these days, so he figured the guess was a safe bet. He gives Wen Ning a long look, somewhere between exasperated and tired, and says, "Well, good, at least it helped."
He is still a little miffed. He tries not to let that get in the way of the point he's making. "It is a strength, though. Being blunt. I'm certainly bad at it. You just have to learn how to use it, like anything else."
"Use being blunt." Chase laughs a little, though it's tired-sounding, too. "All right, I'll try that. I can be nice and polite, it's just always an act when I am."
"I think that's just how politeness works for a lot of people?" Not him, but the strange combination of comfort and defense mechanism is kind of a Wen Ning problem. "What you do is what counts, not what you think about."
"That's the best we're going to get, with me, anyway." He reaches for another of his graduation cookies, but he offers it to Wen Ning first. "Are you going to leave now? I mean, go back to your family?"
He shakes his head. He pretty much never actually eats. It's a waste. Especially what ought to be a celebration. "I'm not planning on going yet." He decides not to rehash the fact that, at least as things stand, he's not going back to his family. He'd just bring another disaster to them. "I might have a use for another deal." His last real talk with Godric made him feel like he had permission to think about being human again. (That's not the only use he can think of for a deal, especially with Husk gone, but that is something he isn't talking about for another reason.)
Yeah, yeah. Back to his world or whatever. He sighs a bit, though, and maybe it's relief. "Okay." He pauses, then asks, "Could I ask what it is? I mean, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine."
"I haven't really decided for sure. But maybe? Do what Song Zichen did." He's very glad the other fierce corpse, the one who could only exist because Wen Ning did first, escaped. He's only just beginning to face the idea that he could ask for the same thing. "Ask to be human again." It doesn't feel like it should be allowed. He died, and it would have been much better for everyone if he'd been left that way, and what's he done to warrant being whole and breathing again?
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"I hope so," he says, though he sounds more despondent than actually hopeful. Maybe when it's not ten minutes out from the event he'll get more optimistic. (Maybe not, though.) "God, I hope Yelena doesn't decide she hates me for graduating before her. She's not crazy about wardens."
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Not-impolite is clearly not what Chase would want from his friend, though. "Well, you aren't so different from yesterday, and she liked you then. Even if you're pretty different from when you first got here."
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"I guess," he says reluctantly. He doesn't want to admit, out loud, that he's going to have to still work on who he is as a person. He already feels overwhelmed enough by all this. Instead, he pivots a little. "If I do get an inmate... will you help?"
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He heaves a sigh, swallows his bite of cookie, then looks back up at Wen Ning. "Thanks. For sticking with me, and all."
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And that does come down to Chase, however he intended it. "You could have handled it better, but you were..." He struggles to phrase it. "Effective. Call it directness." Being a dick might be a power he can channel.
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